Friday, June 11, 2010

The Fat Tax

So back during my junior year of highschool, my english teacher assigned us a paper to write, but this paper had to be a satire.  She told us that our satirical papers had to take two completely unrelated problems and find one solution that solves them both.  I came up with an idea that I thought to be absolutely brilliant.  Offensive, but brilliant!  I decided to solve the problems of obesity in America, and the National Debt.  How was this to be solved with just one solution?  Quite simple:  the Fat Tax.

Here's how it works:

At the checkout registers at each place of business in the United States, where would be a scale, height measurer, and body mass indexer.  The Surgeon General's office will create reasonable standards for what a person of a certain height and body mass index should weigh.  If a person comes up to the scales and weighs more than they should, a tax, proportional to the amount they are overweight, will be assessed and added to their purchase.  This tax would go directly to the federal government for the sole purpose of paying down the national debt.  Now, you're probably thinking, "what about the people who have legitimate health problems that make them overweight?"  Good point.  I will address that.  Those that feel they have a legitimate health reason to be overweight can go to a doctor and get a Fat Tax Waiver card, which must be scanned at the register in order to negate the tax that will be added onto their total price.  This is also the case for those individuals who are just naturally "big boned."  A new Fat Tax Waiver is required annually.

Ok, so this solves the debt problem, but how is this solving obesity?  Think about it.  Would you let yourself get overweight if you knew you were going to be taxed for it?  People hate paying taxes. People will do whatever it takes to not have to pay taxes, even exercising!  So as people begin to be taxed for being too fat, they will be motivated (we hope) to exercise and get within the prescribed weight standards so that they are not heavily taxed.

Think of all the benefits that could be reaped.  Health care costs will go drastically down because people will be generally healthier.  Diabetes (Diabetus, as Wilford Brimley would say), would be a less frequent occurance. If we paid off the national debt, perhaps the income tax would not be necessary, or at least lower the tax rates.  Better schools for children.  Shelters for the homeless.  No more homeless pets. World Peace! Maybe I should shake a few hands and kiss a few babies now.

But, because we have to be politically correct and not offend anyone, this will never happen.  Heaven forbid we tell the world how it is, instead of sugar coating everything.  No, you do not have a disability due to the gravitational force.  You are just fat.  You are a Fatty McFatFat. FAAAAAAT!

Fat people, you've made my insurance premiums skyrocket, now pay for it!  Because I can't.

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